Just Some Hetalia Crack
by RainingSkys
Summary: (Title says all, just read. Rated T for language. I also apologize for the worst summary ever.)
1. Chapter 1

(Ahhhh wonderful crack fiction time I don't own Hetalia btw-)

America was lazy. He was a log. He could've sworn that England had turned him into a log on account of what happened last week. It wasn't his fault that the English man was scared easily! And sure, chasing someone around with a chainsaw and your dressed up as a clown is scary, but using magic to turn him into a log? OH HELL NO. Not if Alfred F. Jones the log could help it!

He just didn't want to be a log. He wanted to be a pole. Poles are cool. And Matthew dances on a pole at least three times a week! He just wished to be the pole Matthew danced on, it would be exciting...and hot. But Alfred would never admit this out loud. But back to the main focus; logs are boring.

But of course...he could've been turned into a tree. Trees are also cool. Russia hides in them, away from his insane little sister. That would also be hot. The being a tree part and have Russia in you, not the insane little sister part. Alfred the Log could try to get hold of England's spell book, but it would mean work. Hard enforced labor. It would practically kill him if he tried to roll off the couch!

Though, now that Alfred thought about it, he'd rather be a potato. Potatoes were also cool. He could be a bag of chips sitting in the ,the thought of France squirting ketchup on him also sounded hot. He'd need to have a foursome with Canada ,France ,and Russia when England turned him back to himself. Whenever that would be...

England when pissed off at him, usually he wouldn't talk to the American for a week. Alfred figured he'd probably be a log for five days. That was a week right? He needed to ask Matthew...n-not that heroes needed help or anything...

At the Italians household...

For some reason, Italy was screaming, he didn't exactly understand what...this was. A song called Body Bag forced him to scream when the lead singer would scream. It sounded cool. Although if he mentioned to his brother,Romano ,that he suddenly wanted to pierce his tongue, Romano would have a cow. Quite literally. Romano was already the mother of a squid ,(who's name was Alex),a cow would just cost too much.

He couldn't let his brother have a cow. Even Alex, Romano's squid child, was too much. He probably shouldn't have mentioned that he was officially going steady with Russia, then Alex wouldn't be there. But Italy loved Alex! Technically, Italy was Alex's father, it wouldn't be right to give up on him! Though...now that he realized it, he was cheating on Russia and would have to marry Romano, to support his 'wife' and their squid son thing.

And then the phone call was made:

"Excuse me, Ivan?" Italy gulped."Da?" Italy was sweating."You see...I am cheating on you with my brother. I have to marry him and support our squid son thing, Alex." Italy froze, silence overcame the call."Okay." And that annoying beep went off. Ivan hung up on him.

At the Russian household...

Russia was making a list till a phone call interrupted him. Now he was pissed off. He had decided to murder a certain squid son thing named Alex in the near future...ink would be EVERYWHERE. That is...if he ever found out where the Italians lived. He had thought Romano to live with Spain, he could've been wrong...

No. He would simply release his anger on something. Then it hit him. Quite literally. His elder sister was standing in front of him, breasts hanging out. "I-Ivan?" Russia nodded."Wha-What are you doing?" He approached the bubbly chest. "I-Ivan?!" Ukraine started panicking. "Hush...this will only hurt a bit..." And then they were gone. And it only hurt a lot.

It hurt both of them. It hurt Ukraine's chest and Ivan's ears. He could've sworn that if he wore glasses, they would be shattered into a million pieces right now...

At the secret location for the yaoi fans to gather...

"Okay some got intel that Italy broke up with Russia for Romano. And then Russia ripped off Ukraine's boobs. But could someone answer me how Italy and Romano have a squid child?" Hungary engaged into the already began conference. News sure does spread fast."Hai...wait what?" Hungary frowned."I said-" Taiwan cut her off."A squid child? How even?" Hungary rolled her eyes and crossed her arms."I said I didn't know, don't cut me off." Taiwan nodded and blushed slightly, her signal telling Hungary 'hurry up so I can speak.'.

"A squid chird seems highry unrikery..." The members nodded."What's its name?" Belgium spoke out."Alex I think? I don't really know..." The whole group nodded."Well, roll call, Kiku?" Hungary nodded over telling the man to hurry up and begin roll call.

" ?" Belgium raised her hand. "Taiwan?" Taiwan grinned over. "Liechtenstein?" The girl blushed and nodded. "Belarus?" Japan backed away a little, Belarus shooting death glares at him for talking to her lover. "I assume that Ukraine will not be here due to her...unexpected...tragedy?" Belarus nodded, still keeping an eye on him. "Hungary?" Hungary frowned ,she was the flipping president...

"Alright,we can begin officially."

Back to the American log

All the American could hear was heard Prussia yelling,"I will fuck you into the wall Spain!" he had to listen to Prussia,Spain,and France have heated sex all because he was a this absolutely fuck logs being cool,they aren't,and Alfred was just too damn lazy to roll out the those three would be walking funny tomorrow.

"Damn you Arthur...probably knew they'd do this..." Alfred looked to the ceiling,admiring the fact the trio hasn't fallen through were too loud for Alfred's likings."Hey Al,have you seen Kumajirioes?" The Canadian walked in,shaking a bit."I'm a stupid log,how would I know?" Matthew chucked a bit.

His brother was an idiot,he wasn't a brother was obviously too damn lazy to get off the the last time this happened,Matthew had to get a therapist to tell Alfred he wasn't a didn't want to get Professor Burtons again."Al, you're not a log." Matthew looked around the chair, trying to find Kim Kardashian.

"I'm a fucking log!" Matthew frowned."Are you drunk again?" Alfred hiccupped."N-no!" Matthew finally found Kumajamjam."Yes you are..." He sighed. How would his brother breathe without him?"Where is it?" He began looking for a whiskey container.

"I don-" a hiccup "have anything-" Matthew slapped the American with Kumakimjam. "Don't fucking lie to me!" He slapped the American again. "But I swear-" He was slapped again. It was then when Matthews heart stopped as he bent down, searching the American, and he was forcefully kissed."Wh-what in the maple..." The American grinned."Oh maple..." And those were the last words Matthew said before being tossed onto the couch.

At Chinas home...

All he wanted was a peaceful, relaxing ,quite evening. But nothing ever goes China's way. There was the Russian and sadly, a person whom he despised to be related to, South Korea."Vodkaa~" The Russian fell back, drunk as hell."I made that!" The boy fell onto the Russians chest, and stretched out into a stack.

"Seriously you people..." China sighed, clutching his tea closer. Both the Russian and the Korean were drunk, meaning China had to deal with them. Why did Japan have to drop off the Korean here and not at Hong Kong's? Oh that's right, he was pretty sure Japan disliked him. He knew why South was here...why was the Russian here?

"Excuse me, Ivan, why are you here even?" The Russian sat up, the other boy fell closer to his crotch but still remained comfortable."I-I don't remember...Italy broke up with me." China frowned, that wasn't a reason for Ivan to drop in unexpected and-quite frankly, unwanted."I heard you ripped off your sisters...ahem...chest?" Ivan nodded and began playing with the thing on his lap.

"It helped relieve anger, no?" China shot him a look."Then go punch something! Don't go around ripping girls chests off!" China scolded, suddenly realizing he sounded like a mother."Yao-Yao, you don't understand!" Ivan whined, rapidly messing up the Koreans hair."Your drunk, sleep...or something-" Ivan kicked the man, whistling like he had done nothing."...Why you-"Ivan smiled his great childish smile.

At the Nordics...

"Weeee!" Sealand screamed as he ran around the house,Norway chasing him."Put your shorts back on!" Norway screamed."Noooo leave me alone Whale! You're a meanie!" The boy dove into the living room and into Denmark's arms."Denny!" Sealand cuddled into the Dane, and then stuck his tongue out at the Norwegian who looked like he was ready to kill."Put him down so I can kick his ass!" Denmark frowned then threw what appeared to be a spell book.

"Don't throw my stuff at me!" A dark purple aura started surrounding the Norwegian gradually swallowing him whole."..."Denmark screamed and threw the child onto the couch, onto Iceland's lap."Icey!" Sealand threw his arms around the Icelandic teen, who was confused as hell.

"Damn it Denmark!" Iceland suddenly realized what was going to happen, and it wasn't going to be pretty. Not even Rome could save them now.

(Dun dun~)


	2. Chapter 2

(I FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO ADD A NEW CHAPTER :D)

Back to the Yaoi Headquarters-

Taiwan shot her hand up, she was eager to share the intel she had received.

"Taiwan, what do you have?" Hungary acknowledged her.

"I just got information for several things," Hungary nodded. "Okay first off, America and Canada had sex on the couch. Spain, Prussia, and France had a threesome, so maybe we need to put more cameras around?" Taiwan exclaimed, looking down at her paper for the other things she had learned.

"I also learned that Russia and South Korea are drunk and at China's...we need more cameras at China's, to keep an eye on them." Taiwan sat down, satisfied with the amount of information she had.

"Hai. We need more cameras at both those praces. I did drop South Korea at China's drunk on purpose too. Arthough, I did not expect for Russia to there..."

A evil grin formed on all the members faces, they were going to be busy...

At a secret location...

"Finally!" A women's voice called out in great success. "It worked Romania! In bloody good time too!" Women's laughing rang through out the facility, ringing in a perfect harmony.

Back at the Nordics...

The room burst into bright colors, shades of neon flew across the room, coloring everything it touched. Then swallowed in darkness. Both Denmark and Sealand were screaming at the top of their lungs while Iceland just covered his eyes.

"DENNY SAVE ME!" Denmark could hear the child nation scream for him, it killed him knowing he couldn't see the poor boy.

Then, almost too quickly, the room went back to its natural color. Norway standing in the middle of the room, Iceland hiding behind the couch, Sealand holding tightly onto , slowly dying from lack of air, and Denmark dancing around like an idiot. Total sense. Norway was suddenly swept into the air, his rage wasn't over yet.

At China's again...

"Stop touching me," China scolded, smacking both the Russian and Korean hands away. "Come on! You know you want to become one with us!" The Russian whined. "Yeah!" Korea joined in, tugging on Chinas sleeve.

"I said no, leave me alone." China could swear he was asking as politely as possible, and yet they were still bothering him. "Mumpf!" China was pushed to his back before being moved around into a Russian-Chinese-Korean sandwich.

At Italy's

Italy was puzzled. He was a father. What did fathers do again? He really didn't know. Maybe he could call Germany or Japan and ask, seemed reasonable. He decided to call Germany.

"Vhat do jou vant?" Italy mentally screamed, Germany had actually picked up the phone even though he said he wouldn't because he kept calling for 'stupid reasons'. How To Cook Your Pasta and Mi Amore Pasta were not stupid. He just couldn't decide on a movie!

"Ciao Germany! I need some-a help!" The German sighed. Of course Italy did. "Vell, vhat is it?" Here it goes...

"How do you be a fath-" Italy was cut off by the sounds of screaming that at first sounded masculine, but gradually turned feminine. "Uhm...G-Germany?" His voice shook in fear. "Can it vait Italy? I got to check on my bruder...and his friends."

The beep went off in the Italians ear and frowned to the sound. Well, there was always Japan to ask!

At a somewhat awesome house...

"Vhat happened!" Germany yell-asked, storming into his bruders room.

"Oh mien gott-" Germany screamed, usually masculine screaming, turned feminine in seconds. More laughing ran throughout the house in great successes and the humor of a humiliated German.

At Americas

America was glad that France, Spain, and Prussia had left, but did they have to interrupt him and Canada's sweet love making? But then again...who could resist the moans of the Canadian?

They had stayed and watched the two, which embarrassed Canada to no end...the few moments in time he's actually noticed just had to be then. America didn't stop but asked, "Enjoying the show?" And with a smile. A fucking smile. But since the Canadian was so close to climaxing, he endured it.

"You're an ass..." Canada muttered after he go his clothes back on. "And you like it up the ass," America smiled, putting his arm around the Canadian. The maple child turned a bright red and punched the arm.

"Shut up..."

"Make me! Wait Cana-"

The clothes came off again, and maple syrup went on the top of the burger.

Yaoi Society of the World meeting...

All the girls, along with the traitor, screamed pleasant fangirl screams at the sight they saw. Canada and America...with the Canadian on top. One of the girls fainted, 3 had massive nosebleeds, and the rest of the members were squealing like little pigs.

"T-thats so h-hot!" Hungary screamed at the screen before fainting. "M-Miss. Hungary!" Litchestien walked over only to look at the screen and see Russia, South Korea, and China pop up.

"I-oh my-" those were the last words she said before fainting, in fact all the members except for Japan fainted. Blood was everywhere, and as Japan tried to get to the control panel where a Hungarian lay passed out, he heard China, South Korea , Canada, and America moan in union and fainted, hitting the control panel with his head.

(Mentions are pretty heavy, eh? I think I should write the scenes out so you...ya know ;) Bye anyways~!)


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